If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
