Umm I'm too high to move.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
