i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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