I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
