we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize