Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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