when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
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