First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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