Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I booty called her while she was in labor.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
