24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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