he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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