I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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