RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
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