Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
