It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
