All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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