I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
