I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
