I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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