I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
