just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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