so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
