***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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