I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
