So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
