Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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