the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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