my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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