Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
