is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
