someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
