New low: just hacked my moms facebook
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
