Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
