I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
