I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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