So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
