Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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