Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
