I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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