did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
