I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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