Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
