false alarm. still invincible.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
