My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
