Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Someone shattered a urinal.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
