Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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