Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
