Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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