hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
