I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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