i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
