Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
