So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
