I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I wear drunk well.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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