I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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