Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
