Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
