i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
